Acceptance

Proverbs 16:9 (NLT) “We can make our own plans, but the Lord determines our steps.”

Over this past summer, my family has been blessed with huge changes. Every single one of my sisters who live within an hour radius has had life changing things happen to them. First, my sister Angie got married and moved into a nice new home with her husband. Then my sister Ashley gets engaged and finds out she is having a baby boy in January. Then my older sister Kessica had a beautiful baby girl a few weeks ago. Over two months, I became the last/only sister/daughter/granddaughter to be “on my own” or in other words… single. I have to admit, it’s funny but kind of lonely.

I look around me and see how much my family has changed and I feel so bless and happy. I see my sisters and I think, someday… that will be me. Just not right now. All of their lives took huge steps toward the future and I think it’s great. But I don’t envy them. Not at all. God has me right where he wants me. But it took me a long time to be able to say that.

I mean, nothing went the way I had planned it this summer, because if it had, I’d be going to school in Arizona with my boyfriend 2 hours away. Clearly, the road I had set myself on was not the road God had planned. See, at the moment, I am single, broke, living with my parents and doing online school. Nothing is wrong with any of that, I just never saw myself being here. I feel like I have taken a few steps backward in my life. I kind of feel like I’m going nowhere. But my twin sister said something to me the other day that made me think. She said, “Alli, when are you going to stop acting like your suffering and feel blessed with what you do have?”

Was I acting like I was suffering? Maybe not suffering, but I sure did my fair share of complaining about how my life was. I knew I was thankful in my heart for what God had given me but was I happy about it? Not really. Where was I going wrong? Where was this disconnecting?

I didn’t think much about Ashley’s comment until I recently started babysitting two little boys. They are probably the most well behaved, cute, funny, little boys I have ever seen. They were showing me all their cool toys and talking about stuff they are doing at school. All they wanted was my attention and I gave it to them. When it was time for bed, Noah climbed into bed and fell right asleep. But Caleb started yelling, “Wait, I’m scared!” as I started to shut the door. I went back in and told him that I would sit on his bed with him until he fell asleep so that he could feel safe.

While I waited for Caleb to close his eyes, I couldn’t help but start thinking about when I would have kids and if they’d be as amazing as these two little boys. Then I shrugged that happy thought away quickly as I considered that I am 21, single, broke, jobless and living with my parents. It’s gonna be a long time before I come close to having a husband or a nice family. As I sat there on Caleb’s bed, my thought kept thinking about my future. I thought about how all my sisters’ lives took these amazingly huge blessed steps toward their futures this summer, yet I took a step back. Why was this? What did I do wrong? How do I fix it?

After a little more talking and a little more waiting, Caleb was in dreamland. I don’t really know how to explain it; I just felt this overwhelming love for those two boys as they slept. I started to hear their deeps breaths and knew as I looked back and forth between the two of them, that right now, in my life, God has me right where He wants me. It was as if the Angel of peace was in the room with the three of us and put his hand on my shoulder, leaned over and whispered, “Alli, let it go and embrace what is before you.”

Within the next few days, I had fully embraced the fact that I am living with my parents and was happy about it. I looked inside my soul and realized that I actually like cooking my parent’s dinner each night before they get back from work. I love having my dad come upstairs from the basement most afternoons just to talk to me and listen to his favorite oldies while I make pies. I found that I actually feel good cleaning the whole house for my mom on Tuesdays because honestly, it’s the least I can do since they are letting me live here for free. I’ve realized that I have a new humility for my parents by just cooking and cleaning for them.

After realizing all that, I have been able to take steps forward here in Denver with finding a home church that fits my needs and getting a job close to my parents. God willing, everything is falling into place.

It is SO easy to want to plan out your life, it is SO easy to plan out your life and say that it is what God has planned for you. But one thing my mom has told me a lot lately, is that every time I make plans, they don’t work out. It is as if God is laughing up in heaven shaking His head saying, “Now Alli, where on earth did you get that idea?” Honestly, I don’t even know why I plan anymore because God is the only one who really knows what’s going on. As much I want to know my future, there is a reason I don’t. And although it is hard, it is an idea I have to accept every day.

With God, everything is a one day at a time kind of thing. In the bible, God never told anyone what they needed to do until they needed to do it right then. “Noah, start building the ark, right now. Moses, cross the Red Sea, right now. Joseph, take Mary and Jesus to Egypt, right now. Ester, I’m giving you courage to speak to the King, right now.” Right now, right now, right now. God gives us everything we need for right now. I guess I just missed that because for the last summer, I have been fighting God on what my “right now” looks like. But Gods plan always prevails and always will. And man, am I happy for that because God really does know best.

Since that night babysitting, I have been able to put down my controlling cards, stop planning my life out and just listen to God. And it’s great. I have accepted that my life is in Denver now. Not Colorado Springs, not Fort Collins. God has me in Denver for some reason right now. It may be for something great, it may be to humble me, it may be just for me to grow in Christ for later use. No matter what Gods reason is, I need to be content with it.

And finally, I am.

Isn’t it a wonderful life?

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”