My Testimony

Ephesians 6:12 “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, the authorities and the powers of this dark world. It is against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

I guess you could say I grew up in a Christian home but not really. No one in my family lived like a Christian. God was no where in our words or actions. But we went to church on Sundays so we were in the clear…

But from an early age, I dealt with nightmares that would send me running into my parents room. Normal right? Well yea, except that my twin sister who I shared my room with said on many different occasions that a large dark covered man was always standing over my bed at night. I’d probably have to say that is where my testimony starts.

The summer that I was about to start the 6^th grade, I got my own room. Without even knowing it, I set myself up to be alone, in the dark, with my demons. I remember feeling this weight on me for a few weeks that summer that I can’t really explain. It was more present during those few weeks then it ever had been before. I could feel it creep up on me when the sun went down. I couldn’t sleep and at 6am every morning, I’d have to leave my room. Something was wrong. I knew it. In the bottom of my soul, I could feel something grabbing at me in the dark and it make me sick.

That summer came to an end and I went to middle school. The feeling of weight over my whole body left but if you ask anyone in my family, I wasn’t a happy child. I was either sad or mad about something 24/7. No reason was ever needed. I just could never shake the weight I had over my life. I was never happy.

But the feeling was gone and life went on. I grew up hearing about God and what the bible says. So that’s what I did. I walked around all righteous and told others to live like Christ said to. (Although I had no idea what Jesus was even about.) I was the best fake Christian you could meet. I was a total Pharisee. No one knew that I had actually never read my bible once in my entire life or that I had told God to screw off my sophomore year. Yea, I remember that night like yesterday, I was praying that God would fix the fighting between my mother and I. I hated living with her and I couldn’t take her slapping me anymore. I had been praying for God to fix it for years and nothing changed. If anything, it got worse. So while I was praying, I looked up and literally said, “You know what God, I’m done with this. It’s not like you’re actually doing anything for me anyway.” And that was the end.

Then I met my high school sweetheart. We dated for two years and I fell in love with him. He treated me well, he was a great guy and he was a Christian. I thought I was going to marry him and I worshiped the ground he walked on. We had the perfect relationship. But slowly, that weight came back. God was gone and my family was falling apart. Anyone would feel depressed but my pain was so much more. It was the middle of my Junior year and “they” had come back. This time, I could feel them with me. I could feel this grossness move around me at night and walk with me in the halls at school. They spoke to me. There were two of them.

For a whole year, I thought I was going crazy. I would literally call my boyfriend and say, “I think something is wrong with me.” I truly believed that I was going nuts because I had so many thought going threw my mind. I thought they were all my own thoughts and I didn’t understand why I was always fighting with myself. My thoughts would be fighting with my own thoughts. It was exhausting and I thought about suicide all the time. I would lay awake at 3am and think about how I would kill myself “if” I was ever to do it. But I knew I never could. My boyfriend was keeping me alive.

But during the middle of my senior year, I went on a retreat with my boyfriend to a Christian New Years revival. We were worshiping and praying. I hadn’t prayed in so long but I prayed my heart out that night. I repented and asked God to fix me. To fix the depression I felt in my heart.

Then, for the first time, I heard the voice of God. He spoke to me. I knew what He wanted but I looked at my boyfriend instead and then I heard Gods voice speak again. I turned and looked up with trears in my eyes. He said, “Choose Me Alli. Choose Me. ”

I looked back to my boyfriend. No, I though, no no no. I needed him, I needed my boyfriend. He was the love of my life. He made me laugh and feel safe. God had never done that. But I could feel it, God was going to take him away. I clung to my boyfriend like he was the air that I breathed from that moment on.

Exodus 20:3, “You will not have any other gods before Me.”

But my boyfriend and I started fighting all the time. About nothing. About everything. But I kept pouring myself out to him, thinking that maybe he could fix the emptiness inside. The more he pushed me away, the more I clung onto him for my life. As long as he was around, as long as I had him and he was mine, I was okay. I was 18 and so needy for my boyfriend that I felt like I would die without him. I was so draining that it amazes me that my boyfriend stuck with me for as long as he did. Needless to say, he broke up with me and I don’t blame him. I couldn’t even handle myself so how could he handle me?

It was like a movie scene. It was a Friday night, we were standing by my car and were fighting about our relationship. No joke, it started to rain. He told me that he wanted to brake up and I fell to the ground and begged him not to do it. We were both crying when he pulled me back up. Seeing those tears run down his face broke my heart.

He told me that he felt like God was telling him to brake up with me. WHAT!? Who was this God that took such great pleasure in hurting my life and taking away those that I loved? I hated Him.

My boyfriend stood there for an hour listening to me weep and beg. But he just didn’t understand. He didn’t understand how much I loved him and how I couldn’t live without him. This person, this man, the love of my life was not going to back down. I felt a rage take control of me and I slapped him across the face. I’d never struck anyone in my whole life. He was shocked and we just stood there, in the rain, in the dark, in the cold, in silence. That was the moment that I realized I had no control over myself. Something was seriously wrong with me.

When I went home, I called my best friend and she came over. Grace sat with me on my bed and listened to what happened. When I told her that I had hit my now ex-boyfriend, a tear ran down her face. I was already weeping but Grace took my hand and cried with me. I will never forget that. I spent the rest of that night crying on my bed. I couldn’t sleep. Not at all. I can’t even explain the hopeless brokenness I felt.

Around 9am my phone rang.

It was my now ex-boyfriends step mom calling me. My heart sunk when I remembered she and I were suppose to get coffee that morning. I picked up and she knew something was wrong. All I had to say was, “He broke up with me” and she told me to drive straight to her house. So around noon, I meet her at her front door.

I had cried an ocean of tears by this point. I cried more than I had ever cried before. I couldn’t stop crying. But when I walked into her house, all the tears went away. I didn’t cry a single tear the rest of that day, even when I told her everything that happened and everything that was said the night before. There was a peace in her house and an inner peace about her. God was there.

Laurie was the first person to ever see right through me and she called me out on being a fake Christian to my face. But I was broken and I clung onto every word that came out of her mouth. She asked me about my childhood and my relationships. She asked me specific questions about my life, about my thoughts, about suicide. She even told me that she thought that I had been dealing with huge spiritual warfare and didn’t even know it. How did she know? Like I said before, the Lord was there that day.

We sat for four hours on her couch and talked about God. She got out her bible and gave me answers to questions that I thought had no answers. Laurie read me Proverbs 31 and told me how a Godly woman acts. She explained to me that I was putting my ex-boyfriend in the place in my heart that only God could fill. He was never going to be able to fill me up and give me the answers that I wanted and were seeking. I needed God if I liked it or not. We all do.

I went home that night and dropped down on my knees in front of my bed. With my mind made up, I put my arms out in front of me. I started to pray out loud. I gave my heart, soul, mind and life to the Lord that night. And He spoke to me again, saying that everything was going to be okay. God wanted me even if no one else did. It was February 7^th, 2009.

For the next three months I literally lived off the word of God. I skipped breakfast and lunch to read my bible. I lost 25 pounds but didn’t even notice. I met with Laurie once a week for a few weeks to help me stay on the right path. Grace was also a huge influence. She spent every day at school, some evenings and most weekends with me and encouraged me to keep strong with the Lord. Those three months of reading put down the strongest foundation in my life. I stood on the Lord and He was my rock. No one could shake me again. I started thinking clearly and actually started having a good personality. I started becoming me, the person I am now, the person I am so thankful to be.

At night, I would read scripture out loud before bedtime, just like Laurie told me to do. It was the only thing that helped me feel safe against the evil spirits that still lurked around my room. There were many nights where I would turn off the light and feel the evil walk right up to my bed. A sense of panic would come over me and I would start to shake. With my eyes shut, I would turn on the light and grab my bible to read aloud again. That was the first step I took in defeating my demons.

Night after night, I would wake up already sitting up in my bed crying. Tears just streaming down my face for no reason. I’d open my eyes and cover my face with my hands to get myself under control. There were nights I’d wake up already screaming. But worst of all, when I would wake up, I could feel them next to me. Although I could never see them, they were there. I could feel them. Although I never saw them, I can tell you what they looked like. The big one was always standing next to me by my bed, breathing down on me. The short one was always sitting on the bottom left side of my bed.

Although scripture helped me grow, I was broken in every way. I still loved and wanted to be with my Ex. So when he started dating another girl shortly after our brake up, my heart ripped back open and the spirits had more to use against me. My nightmares became so violent and horrific that sleeping scared me. Every night that I awoke from a bad dream, they were in my room with me, watching me and tormenting me with the emotional pain I was already feeling.

But God was changing me with every scripture I read. I was changing into a much better, stronger, less emotional, more self-controlled person. I become funnier and felt more beautiful. I prayed for happiness and slowly with each morning, I felt real happiness in my heart. I knew it was from God because there was no other reason in my life to be happy. With every Psalm I read, I fell more in love with God. With every Proverb I read, the more I left my old ways and embraced the new. I saw Gods character and realized He was good. He was standing behind me my whole life, waiting for me to turn around and embrace Him. He had always loved me fully even though I sought love out threw men. God was there, He didn't want me to be alone. He just wanted to be first in my heart. I read the whole New Testament and most of the Old by graduation time. I left high school a totally different person. I was happy to leave though, I was happy to leave all the pain behind and start anew.

The next year in a half went by with a flash. I grew strong in my faith and had amazing Christian people walking along side me. I grew and grew. I fell so in love with God and Jesus that you couldn’t talk to me without scripture exploding out. I loved the new life that God had given me. The more I let go of the old, the more God rewarded the new. I was able to forgive and move on from all the pain I had experienced by my parents, siblings and boyfriends. The more I forgave, the more I felt forgiven. God restored friendships that were lost and took revenge were my honor needed restoring. My nightmares had stopped and I didn’t feel the evil spirits with me anymore. I was totally free…. Until my brother died. Then there was one last thing to be taken care of.

My brother Johns death put me in a natural depression that I would have come out of if I hadn’t been so isolated. Night after night, I'd just think about how I was so alone and how unfair it was. Everyone else in my life had that special someone by their side, yet I lost mine and now I was going through the hardest parts of life all alone. I hated it. The church that I trusted the year before left me to fend for myself. Literally. Only two friends stuck by my side but even they didn’t know the dept of the pain I felt. I was isolated and that was not the right place to be when I was already grieving. It is not good for anyone to be alone. God did not design us to be alone. That's pretty much Genesis 101 right there. We need and depend on relationships to keep us strong. But our most important relationship is the one we have with God and that relationship alone got me through. God is my strength, always will be.

I remember the night I felt the two spirits find me. I was crying in my room, on the floor, in the dark. I lived in my new apartment and Sophomore year of college had just started. I was weeping in my hands when I felt them walk through my front door. I looked up and took a deep breath. No, not again. It only took one week for me to loss all my strength. Casting them out in the Lords name seemed simple but I was growing so tired. It was the last straw when I heard thoughts of suicide again. These demons used my emotions against me even though the sadness I felt over my brother was natural. I reached out for help from friends and they did there best to help me but I had had enough. I wanted freedom. But how was I going to get it? I couldn't fight this battle anyone. I couldn't even see it. I wanted free from whatever they had over me.

It was late. I had just washed my face and brushed my teeth. I was standing in front of my mirror and staring at myself. I was thinking of my brother and my love for him as tears started falling down my face. It was at that moment that I could feel it walking up to me. I shut my eyes in fear. I grabbed the counter with both hands and held on for my life. The fear the swept over my soul was so large that I thought I was going to die. I started to pray. But it wasn’t a prayer that you would think I would have prayed. I wasn’t panicked, I was just sad. I simply told the Lord that I was to tired, to weak to fight this on my own anymore. I had nothing left to kick this spirit out of my life even though I wanted it gone more than anything. I prayed that God would send an angel to fight for me.

With my eyes still shut, I saw the whole thing. A bright light came from the left side of my room that swept across the carpet. A man dressed in all white came crashing down on the black spirit with a sword of fire. They crashed threw the wall and into the living room. I felt a battle taking place in the next room but I didn’t leave my sink. I just looked into the mirror. What seemed like an hour passed before I walked away. I opened my bedroom door thinking I would see broken glass and furniture in the next room but everything was just as I left it. But one thing was different, peace filled the apartment.

Although my demons were gone for good. I still had emotion and grief to deal with over my brother. I was just so sick of being alone though, so a few weeks later, I bought a dog. That was a miracle from the good Lord himself. My dogs name is Tony and he helped me heal. He helped me feel wanted and needed again. He got me out of bed and outside letting the Lord take care of the rest. Within a month, I was back to the old Alli that everyone loved. I full heartedly lead a girls bible study and let God use me to impacted eight girls lives. I know now that my calling is toward woman's ministry. To help lost, emotional, men seeking woman, like I use to be, find God and become the strong, independent, respected, woman God wants them to be. I live my life by the Proverbs 31 Wife of Noble Character.

The Lord has protected and taken care of me in every way these last three years. I have still had my fair share of spiritual warfare since but nothing so personal as what I just shared with you. I do not like it, but it is a reality. We live in a world were demons run free. It doesn’t matter if you believe it or not. But that is the truth. Not believing in them only gives them more power over you.

God has moved mountains for me when I did not deserve it and for that I am eternally grateful. I am a Christian and there is no turning back. My identity is in Jesus Christ, there is no separation. I am proud to belong to Christ and be a daughter of the Most High God. I will never turn away. For I have tasted the land of milk and honey. I have eternal life. And I will live my life to please the Lord.

 

 

Isn’t it a wonderful life?

An Unwanted Anniversary

Redemption means: deliverance or rescue from sin. State of being redeemed.

I tossed and turned in my bed all night long. I dreamed of a tattoo on my foot that said “Redemption”. I didn’t sleep well throughout the night and when I opened my eyes, I remembered why.

A year ago at this time, I was reading my bible at my grandmothers house. Grandma and Dad were at the hospital with John. The rest of us were waiting for the call that John had passed. I remembered reading John 14:27 over and over again. “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

I didn’t want to remember that day. It made my heart sink. I took my phone to see the time. I had 18 unread text messages. “What the?” I sat up in bed. I went to the first text and saw what Alisha was doing.

My oldest sister put together a game where the family could text memories of John to each other as a way of encouragement to get us through this dark day.

Alisha went first, her memory was: “I remember when we were about seven. Playing on a whirly bird and going really fast. John told me to flap my arms like a bird and see if I could fly. I thought “He’s my big brother, he’s smart.” So I flapped my arms and I flew alright, right off the whirly bird, backwards. Ouch. And of course John laughed.”

Kessica went second, “Unlike Alisha, John was always nice to me. I was the good sister! I remember John and Alisha would come to visit dad and I when we lived in Firethorne Reynoldsburg. We had two rooms with bunk beds. They shared one and I had the other. I think I pestered them more than anything. I wanted to be with them 24/7 while they were there. I would sit outside their room and listen to them talk always wanting to be let in. Dad would take us to pine quarry and play hide and seek in the pine trees. We would hike down to the creek too. I always had great memories of my visits with them.

Grandma’s turn, “I remember so many things about Johnny. He was a marvelous cook and cared about others. He could sing like an Angel and now he is one. I miss him so much.”

Her angel comment brought tears to my eyes. I knew John was up there singing his heart out to the Lord. I could just see him in the massive crowd raising his hands and dancing around shouting, “Holy holy holy is our Lord God almighty!” I smiled knowing John is experiencing true happiness now.

What memory was I going to share? I sat at the edge of my bed and looked at my hands. I moved the ring on my wedding finger. It is my purity ring. I bought it a few weeks before John died. I missed a call from him a week before he went into the hospital. I had planned to call him back and tell him all about the ring. It has an engraving on it the says, “Purity: Matthew 8:5”. I know the verse by heart. “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.”

I bought that ring with John in mind. He lived the most stained life a person could, yet he was the most pure person I knew. His heart was for Jesus and that is what I loved about him most. I wanted to tell him that but I never ended up calling him back. That is the only regret I carry. Because a week later, I got the call that John was dying.

I didn’t want to think about this. I didn’t want to remember. I got up and took a shower. Feeling the water run down my body, I let out a sigh. I pushed my face into the drops. That way, I couldn’t tell the difference between the tears that fell from my eyes and the tears that fell from the shower. Drops towered down my face. After I long while, I sighed again and took my towel.

I had three more text.

Alisha wrote again, “I remember when my mother worked for an apt complex and John and I found a stray German Shepard. John convinced mom to take it somewhere safe. We put the dog in the car and started for home. Either the dog was excited that someone was saving it or it didn’t like cars because it puked all over the back seat. John wasn’t to crazy about the poor dog after that. But we loved him for his sense of caring for others.”

Ashley went fifth, “I remember when John would come home for Christmas when I was young. He would always set the table so nice. He wouldn’t let anyone help him because he knew the special way. But one Christmas I got to help him and he taught me the ways of table setting which I still remember.”

Mom went sixth, “Every time we drove to Ohio after we moved to Maryland, John, dad and I would go see a movie. Dancing with Wolves was one of them. Every time dad and John were together, people would ask them if they were brothers because they looked so much a like. John and dad were flattered and I loved being out with those two handsome men.”

I put the phone down, went into my bedroom and opened my closet. I wanted to wear a dress today. I saw the black dress I wore to John funeral. I put my fingers over the white flowers at the top. No! I pushed the tears back. I picked out my brightest multi colored dress and slipped it over my head. John would want me to look cheerful on this day because today was the day he got to see Jesus face to face.

Two more text came in.

Ashley wrote again, “I remember once when all the cousins got together in Ohio. We all were in a car and driving to the pool. We started fighting in the backseat over some toy. John took it and threw it out the window. All of us shut up real fast. Later John told me he really didn’t throw the toy out the window but wow, did it look like he did. He was always so funny.”

Dad went next, “When I remember John, I always think of how spiffy he always dressed up. Both at work and at home. He always liked to look his best. But one of my best memories is of John, Alisha, Casey and Jeremy riding their big wheels up and down the street at Grandma’s house. Four cyclones on wheels. You had to watch out or get run over.”

I sat down at my computer knowing that I was going to have to write something before the whole family contacted me to see why I wasn’t participating. But what would I say? Nothing I remembered was worth sharing. Those memories were only worth tears.

Alisha and Kessy sent another.

Alisha wrote, “When I lived in Jersey and John lived in Philly, he came up and made dinner for a friend and me. Presentation was everything to him. We sat at the table and he brought out plates with fillet steaks, smashed garlic potatoes and asparagus. All on top of each other. Matt and I looked at each other, got brave and dug in. As always, John was an amazing cook. The food was incredible. John was pleased. I told him he should have become a chef. I just hated always calling him for recipes or cooking tips. Haha. It was like he was speaking a foreign language or something. He would always end up saying, “Oh, I forgot you can’t even boil water Lish.” ”

Kessy text was memory number ten, “I have to mention Johns laugh. That is one thing about that man that I will never forget and will always cherish along with his crazy conversation topics! Haha, I love my big brother.”

I knew it was my turn, hours had passed and no one was sending anything else. I felt eyes on me from everyone in my family even though they are in different states. They were waiting, “What was Alli going to say?”

I re-read what everyone else had said. But it didn’t make me smile, it didn’t make me happy. It was almost two in the afternoon before I sat down and forced myself to write. But as I wrote, my most cherished memory of John came back.

I brought our trip down memory lane to it’s eleventh stop. My text read, “I remember when John came to visit along with the whole family for Dad’s 60 b-day. I was 17. One night I remember fighting with mom and dad over something. I went into the kitchen and sat down at the table alone. Within a few minutes John was behind me and knelt down next to me. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “I know how you feel Alli. Like no one understands you. But I understand you. We’re the black sheep of this family. You and me. But at least we have each other.” With tears in both our eyes, John was the first to start crying, then I followed. He hugged me and started to pray over me. John was one of the few people who ever truly understood my heart and my intentions. John was very wise and I miss him very much. His faith amazes me even after he is gone.”

John and I were the black sheep together and our monthly phone calls kept me on the right path. John wouldn’t have let me fall even if I wanted too. I think John felt responsible for me because he and I were so much a like. Misunderstood, judged, gossiped about. But we were also kind, encouraging, listeners, advice givers and lovers. John and I were more alike then everyone knew. We were both quick to anger because of the love that we had for others. If someone was being stupid, we’d take it upon ourselves to put them back on track. It wasn’t because we were always right, it was because we loved them so much. It hurt us to see others hurting. John and I understood each other and the issue we faced. We talked of spiritual battle and his words made me stronger against fighting mine. John knew that I was strong willed just like he was, but he didn’t want me to live my life like he did his, filled with drugs, HIV, homosexuality, poverty, sex, money and always running from the law. He taught me how Christ said to live and I listened.

The black sheep that walked life along side me for those few years is gone now. I walk alone. Sometimes I wonder if the loneliness I feel or the emptiness will ever go away. But when life gets hard and I can’t sleep, there is always one “dream” if you may, that runs through my mind like a movie. I’m on a beach with my head resting on my brothers shoulder. He’ll hug me, kiss my forehead and stand up. When I go to grab him to force him to stay, John is no longer there. But there is always another man sitting next to me on the beach. That man puts his hand over mine and squeezes it. I turn to look at him. He sits in white and holds his head high. It is Jesus. He says “I took him because I love him. He isn’t in pain anymore Alli, let him go.” With tears in both our eyes, I squeeze his hand back and weep in his arms. I then look at his feet and see that the words redemption are written on them. Redemption, redemption, redemption…

Johns life was such a good example of a God filled life full of forgiveness, mercy, love, compassion, understanding and redemption. John was set free from the pain of this world in his death because of Christ and the redemption He brought. And that gives me peace.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” – John 14:27

Isn’t it a wonderful life?