I tossed and turned in my bed all night long. I dreamed of a tattoo on my foot that said “Redemption”. I didn’t sleep well throughout the night and when I opened my eyes, I remembered why.
A year ago at this time, I was reading my bible at my grandmothers house. Grandma and Dad were at the hospital with John. The rest of us were waiting for the call that John had passed. I remembered reading John 14:27 over and over again. “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
I didn’t want to remember that day. It made my heart sink. I took my phone to see the time. I had 18 unread text messages. “What the?” I sat up in bed. I went to the first text and saw what Alisha was doing.
My oldest sister put together a game where the family could text memories of John to each other as a way of encouragement to get us through this dark day.
Alisha went first, her memory was: “I remember when we were about seven. Playing on a whirly bird and going really fast. John told me to flap my arms like a bird and see if I could fly. I thought “He’s my big brother, he’s smart.” So I flapped my arms and I flew alright, right off the whirly bird, backwards. Ouch. And of course John laughed.”
Kessica went second, “Unlike Alisha, John was always nice to me. I was the good sister! I remember John and Alisha would come to visit dad and I when we lived in Firethorne Reynoldsburg. We had two rooms with bunk beds. They shared one and I had the other. I think I pestered them more than anything. I wanted to be with them 24/7 while they were there. I would sit outside their room and listen to them talk always wanting to be let in. Dad would take us to pine quarry and play hide and seek in the pine trees. We would hike down to the creek too. I always had great memories of my visits with them.
Grandma’s turn, “I remember so many things about Johnny. He was a marvelous cook and cared about others. He could sing like an Angel and now he is one. I miss him so much.”
Her angel comment brought tears to my eyes. I knew John was up there singing his heart out to the Lord. I could just see him in the massive crowd raising his hands and dancing around shouting, “Holy holy holy is our Lord God almighty!” I smiled knowing John is experiencing true happiness now.
What memory was I going to share? I sat at the edge of my bed and looked at my hands. I moved the ring on my wedding finger. It is my purity ring. I bought it a few weeks before John died. I missed a call from him a week before he went into the hospital. I had planned to call him back and tell him all about the ring. It has an engraving on it the says, “Purity: Matthew 8:5”. I know the verse by heart. “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.”
I bought that ring with John in mind. He lived the most stained life a person could, yet he was the most pure person I knew. His heart was for Jesus and that is what I loved about him most. I wanted to tell him that but I never ended up calling him back. That is the only regret I carry. Because a week later, I got the call that John was dying.
I didn’t want to think about this. I didn’t want to remember. I got up and took a shower. Feeling the water run down my body, I let out a sigh. I pushed my face into the drops. That way, I couldn’t tell the difference between the tears that fell from my eyes and the tears that fell from the shower. Drops towered down my face. After I long while, I sighed again and took my towel.
I had three more text.
Alisha wrote again, “I remember when my mother worked for an apt complex and John and I found a stray German Shepard. John convinced mom to take it somewhere safe. We put the dog in the car and started for home. Either the dog was excited that someone was saving it or it didn’t like cars because it puked all over the back seat. John wasn’t to crazy about the poor dog after that. But we loved him for his sense of caring for others.”
Ashley went fifth, “I remember when John would come home for Christmas when I was young. He would always set the table so nice. He wouldn’t let anyone help him because he knew the special way. But one Christmas I got to help him and he taught me the ways of table setting which I still remember.”
Mom went sixth, “Every time we drove to Ohio after we moved to Maryland, John, dad and I would go see a movie. Dancing with Wolves was one of them. Every time dad and John were together, people would ask them if they were brothers because they looked so much a like. John and dad were flattered and I loved being out with those two handsome men.”
I put the phone down, went into my bedroom and opened my closet. I wanted to wear a dress today. I saw the black dress I wore to John funeral. I put my fingers over the white flowers at the top. No! I pushed the tears back. I picked out my brightest multi colored dress and slipped it over my head. John would want me to look cheerful on this day because today was the day he got to see Jesus face to face.
Two more text came in.
Ashley wrote again, “I remember once when all the cousins got together in Ohio. We all were in a car and driving to the pool. We started fighting in the backseat over some toy. John took it and threw it out the window. All of us shut up real fast. Later John told me he really didn’t throw the toy out the window but wow, did it look like he did. He was always so funny.”
Dad went next, “When I remember John, I always think of how spiffy he always dressed up. Both at work and at home. He always liked to look his best. But one of my best memories is of John, Alisha, Casey and Jeremy riding their big wheels up and down the street at Grandma’s house. Four cyclones on wheels. You had to watch out or get run over.”
I sat down at my computer knowing that I was going to have to write something before the whole family contacted me to see why I wasn’t participating. But what would I say? Nothing I remembered was worth sharing. Those memories were only worth tears.
Alisha and Kessy sent another.
Alisha wrote, “When I lived in Jersey and John lived in Philly, he came up and made dinner for a friend and me. Presentation was everything to him. We sat at the table and he brought out plates with fillet steaks, smashed garlic potatoes and asparagus. All on top of each other. Matt and I looked at each other, got brave and dug in. As always, John was an amazing cook. The food was incredible. John was pleased. I told him he should have become a chef. I just hated always calling him for recipes or cooking tips. Haha. It was like he was speaking a foreign language or something. He would always end up saying, “Oh, I forgot you can’t even boil water Lish.” ”
Kessy text was memory number ten, “I have to mention Johns laugh. That is one thing about that man that I will never forget and will always cherish along with his crazy conversation topics! Haha, I love my big brother.”
I knew it was my turn, hours had passed and no one was sending anything else. I felt eyes on me from everyone in my family even though they are in different states. They were waiting, “What was Alli going to say?”
I re-read what everyone else had said. But it didn’t make me smile, it didn’t make me happy. It was almost two in the afternoon before I sat down and forced myself to write. But as I wrote, my most cherished memory of John came back.
I brought our trip down memory lane to it’s eleventh stop. My text read, “I remember when John came to visit along with the whole family for Dad’s 60 b-day. I was 17. One night I remember fighting with mom and dad over something. I went into the kitchen and sat down at the table alone. Within a few minutes John was behind me and knelt down next to me. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “I know how you feel Alli. Like no one understands you. But I understand you. We’re the black sheep of this family. You and me. But at least we have each other.” With tears in both our eyes, John was the first to start crying, then I followed. He hugged me and started to pray over me. John was one of the few people who ever truly understood my heart and my intentions. John was very wise and I miss him very much. His faith amazes me even after he is gone.”
John and I were the black sheep together and our monthly phone calls kept me on the right path. John wouldn’t have let me fall even if I wanted too. I think John felt responsible for me because he and I were so much a like. Misunderstood, judged, gossiped about. But we were also kind, encouraging, listeners, advice givers and lovers. John and I were more alike then everyone knew. We were both quick to anger because of the love that we had for others. If someone was being stupid, we’d take it upon ourselves to put them back on track. It wasn’t because we were always right, it was because we loved them so much. It hurt us to see others hurting. John and I understood each other and the issue we faced. We talked of spiritual battle and his words made me stronger against fighting mine. John knew that I was strong willed just like he was, but he didn’t want me to live my life like he did his, filled with drugs, HIV, homosexuality, poverty, sex, money and always running from the law. He taught me how Christ said to live and I listened.
The black sheep that walked life along side me for those few years is gone now. I walk alone. Sometimes I wonder if the loneliness I feel or the emptiness will ever go away. But when life gets hard and I can’t sleep, there is always one “dream” if you may, that runs through my mind like a movie. I’m on a beach with my head resting on my brothers shoulder. He’ll hug me, kiss my forehead and stand up. When I go to grab him to force him to stay, John is no longer there. But there is always another man sitting next to me on the beach. That man puts his hand over mine and squeezes it. I turn to look at him. He sits in white and holds his head high. It is Jesus. He says “I took him because I love him. He isn’t in pain anymore Alli, let him go.” With tears in both our eyes, I squeeze his hand back and weep in his arms. I then look at his feet and see that the words redemption are written on them. Redemption, redemption, redemption…
Johns life was such a good example of a God filled life full of forgiveness, mercy, love, compassion, understanding and redemption. John was set free from the pain of this world in his death because of Christ and the redemption He brought. And that gives me peace.
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” – John 14:27
Isn’t it a wonderful life?
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